Question:

I read your article on mean girls, and I have a friend who fits the description. The problem is that she doesn't realize she is a mean girl. She thinks everyone else is, but not her. She also gets very upset and sad when she feels she's being picked on.

She has a blog and will call out people by name that she's irritated with, then she'll be surprised when they respond. Or, we'll be sitting in a group of friends and she'll start talking bad about someone else, even if they are friends with that person. When a friend pushes back and defends themselves, she's shocked and hurt.

She stays hurt for a long time, and then I have to cheer her up and help her out of it. We've been friends for ten years now, but I'm kind of tired of having to do that. The truth is, most of the time she brings it on herself. How can I tell her that? If I do, she'll turn on me and tell me I'm a "mean girl" too. I'm tired of her blaming everyone else for the things that come back to her.

Answer:

Self-reflection goes a long way to having good friendships, and it sounds like your friend is unwilling to take a good long look in the mirror. But before you assume how she'll react, consider how it might look to her to know that you feel this way about her behavior and yet haven't told her.

Being Honest With Someone Who Is Extra Sensitive to Criticism

It can be very difficult to be honest with a friend who has shown an inability to deal with criticism in the past. The best way to do it is choose the right place and time, preferably when your friend has just complained about the other mean girls. When she starts complaining, ask her a series of questions that could help her figure out the reason for people "being mean" to her.

Say something like:

"Do you think that attacking her first was a good idea? It seems like she's not being mean to you so much as she's just trying to stick up for herself."

Or:

"If the situation was reversed, wouldn't you respond the same way? You don't like it when someone picks on you, so maybe she thinks you're picking on her."

If these questions don't prompt her to self-reflect, be more direct. Tell her:

"I really care about your friendship, but one thing that drives me crazy is when you get like this. These people aren't being mean. They are responding to the things you did first. If you don't want people to attack you, maybe you shouldn't attack them."

Or:

"I know this is going to be hard to hear, but I feel like you act like a mean girl sometimes without realizing it. In this case, the people are defending themselves and you're acting like they are attacking you out of the blue."

What Not to Say

Try and stick to the facts of the situation, like the things that she said first and how someone responded. This is better than saying something like, "You're too sensitive," or agreeing with her just to get her to stop complaining.

When you say these things, make sure you're doing it in a caring way, with your emotions in check. If your friend takes every criticism as "mean girl behavior," it's that much more important to stress that you're telling her this because it's something that is holding her back from her full potential, rather than just because you're "sick of hearing her complain" or because you "think she's wrong." She'll respond better to a caring note of reality rather than an admonishment.

What Happens If She Gets Mad at You?

If you tell her the truth and she responds badly, forgive her for it (even if you don't really want to). Try and move on in your friendship as best you can, and if she continues complaining tell her that you can no longer listen to it because you tried to talking to her and she wouldn't hear it. This will at least give her the message that you're tired of her inability to face reality, but that you're still her friend.

If change is going to happy at all, it's going to be with help from a good friend. So don't give up on her. But remember, all you can do is point out the truth and be there for her. She's got to make the changes in her own life if she's going to move beyond this hang-up.

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