Question:

I have a friend that always agrees to do something with me and then right before we're supposed to get together, she bails. This has happened repeatedly, no matter if we schedule dinner or coffee or just a movie.

I feel like she waits until the last minute and then gives me the brush off because she gets a better offer. When she cancels, I've always been understanding, but now I'm starting to get very irritated. This seems to be a pattern with her.

We're good friends and I hate to lose her, but I don't know what to do.

Answer:

Are you sure you're good friends? It sounds like your friend has let you down over and over when it comes to getting together. From what you describe, this is a pattern of behavior, and not something that happens once in a while.

I have to wonder if your friend ever does the scheduling for get-togethers, of if it's just you. If it's the latter, than this underscores the fact that your friend is not as invested into this friendship as you are. (Read more about this with: "Are They My Friend or Not?")

One way to handle this is to stop asking your friend to do things. See if she contacts you eventually to see how you are or to schedule something. She might even ask you what's wrong, and then you'll be able to tell her that the reason you backed off is because she keeps canceling on you.

Friendships like these don't take much effort to end because you're the one putting in all the work. Chances are if you pull back and focus on other friendships, your friend won't even notice.

That's a sure sign that your friend really wasn't a friend at all, but more of an acquaintance. This doesn't mean that some time down the line you could become good friends, but for right now, the timing is not right. Spending more energy on this friendship would be wasted. Focus on the people who have shown an interest in becoming friends with you instead.

This question was submitted via the friendship advice form.