How should pornography be addressed in church? I am writing to pastors, good and bad.
I happen to have a terrific pastor.
Consequently, he talked briefly about pornography a few weeks ago and I felt it.
Please refrain from addressing pornography from the pulpit the same way it has been done for years, while hoping for a different result.
The way the church talks to pornography addicts is not working and even prevents men from getting help.
How about considering a more effective option? Somewhere between 53% and 70% of Christian men view pornography weekly, mostly at work, often on laptops, PDAs and cell phones.
According to the AAML, Almost 70% of divorces are due to meeting a lover on the internet and 56% of their cases involved one party with obsessive interest in pornography.
Focus on the Family reports 47% of families say pornography is a problem in the home, and 20% of all calls to Focus are a request for help with pornography issues.
The manner in which pornography addiction is handled and addressed is hurting, not helping.
From the heart of an addict, I have outlined a method of effective communication to sexual and pornography addicts: 1.
Do not get angry or frustrated; have compassion and show sympathy.
Us men fighting sexual addiction are not the Pharisees at whom Jesus yelled.
We are far more frustrated than you are, and it is not for lack of trying that most remain stuck.
2.
Do tell men that 'trying harder' will always fail, and addiction always gets worse.
Men need to get help to quit, but they need to get the right help.
Unless you explain this, men will 'try-harder' and instantly be driven deeper into their pride-based addiction for which self effort has no effect.
Men need 'recovery' and anonymity.
3.
Do acknowledge that wrong recovery makes this addiction worse.
Of all the men I have worked with over the last five years, not one was helped by accountability partners or internet filtering software alone.
Though fantastic resources, by themselves, these things have a negative impact on addiction and encourage men to 'try harder'.
4.
Do offer an immediate completely anonymous recovery option for men, or virtually no man will act on anything you say.
Addicts subconsciously train themselves to ignore whatever does not seem like a viable solution.
You must offer a solution for men to get help without their wives having to know.
Men are acutely aware that a pornography problem can quickly get them divorced, fired, isolated, excommunicated.
Unless he has already been caught and facing consequences, almost no man will get help that is not anonymous.
5.
Do speak to the Church in detail about how large the problem really is among men, pastors included.
Inform your church about the problem.
Be like Nehemiah and measure the wall with an anonymous survey if necessary, but do not let men think they are isolated freaks and the only guy sitting in church with "that" problem.
Men need to hear that no-one is the exception to this addiction.
6.
Do speak to wives to prepare them not to punish their husband's honesty or criticize pledges to take action steps.
Remind wives, the odds of finding a man who does not struggle with porn are low.
Men must believe you will help them on this difficult journey.
7.
Do remind men that the gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of repentance for the forgiveness of sins, not merely about saying a cordial prayer or even making a heart felt commitment.
Faith must manifest into stopping bad behavior, doing good things, and learning to be gentle.
Inspire men to get the right help which will turn them into Christ followers convinced of God's power, His presence, His forgiveness and His love and devotion.
Tell them you believe in them and want to hold up there arms through this battle.
After fighting a 30+ year addiction and living in the last five years of sobriety, I am confident from personal experience, if we change our methods we can change the statistics.