The Days of Saint Cuthbert
In the days of Good King Freddie the Umteenth, the patron saint and minister for the environment was a noble knight called Cuthbert.
Keeping to the ancient traditions, Saint Cuthbert wore a shining suit of burnished steel armour and rode a splendid white stallion.
With lance and sword he chased the Welsh dragons and other assorted reptilian megafauna that threatened the peace and tranquillity of old England.
These methods had been successful in the past, but times were changing.
Even with more helpers under his command, all to a man graduates of the Eton School of Chivalry, Cuthbert knew that he was losing control of the situation.
The plague of fire-breathing monsters was reaching epidemic proportions.
There was a time when patron saints and their helpers had been allowed to kill the monsters, if they could catch them, and even destroy their eggs, if they could reach them on the high crags of Snowdonia and the Cairngorms.
Now however, since the arrival of the grumpy greens, expelled from France by King Pierre, a law had been passed classifying all incendiary monsters as belonging to endangered species.
Conservation was the order of the day.
Causing actual bodily harm to an adult flame thrower, or even a juvenile smoke rings puffer, was forbidden by law, at pain of a severe dunking in Freddie's moat.
Whether or not Cuthbert could kill the monsters was purely hypothetical, they could no longer be caught by men on horseback.
There had been a time long ago when most species couldn't fly and were only capable of running at high speed for a short distance.
But inevitably, it was the fastest runners and highest hoppers that got away and lived to breed another day.
By the process now known as natural selection, the indigenous megafauna developed longer legs and wider wings until the situation came about that was now all too familiar to Cuthbert.
Yes, Cuthbert was a man of the past.
A new era had dawned and a new man was needed, with new methods to bring peace to the realm in a more humane and effective way.
King Freddie consulted his prime minister, Merlin the Whirlin, but although it was plain to both of them that Cuthbert was no longer up to the job, who could they appoint in his place? Neither yet realised that a new patron saint and minister of the environment was ready to take up the challenge.
The time of Saint George had arrived!
Keeping to the ancient traditions, Saint Cuthbert wore a shining suit of burnished steel armour and rode a splendid white stallion.
With lance and sword he chased the Welsh dragons and other assorted reptilian megafauna that threatened the peace and tranquillity of old England.
These methods had been successful in the past, but times were changing.
Even with more helpers under his command, all to a man graduates of the Eton School of Chivalry, Cuthbert knew that he was losing control of the situation.
The plague of fire-breathing monsters was reaching epidemic proportions.
There was a time when patron saints and their helpers had been allowed to kill the monsters, if they could catch them, and even destroy their eggs, if they could reach them on the high crags of Snowdonia and the Cairngorms.
Now however, since the arrival of the grumpy greens, expelled from France by King Pierre, a law had been passed classifying all incendiary monsters as belonging to endangered species.
Conservation was the order of the day.
Causing actual bodily harm to an adult flame thrower, or even a juvenile smoke rings puffer, was forbidden by law, at pain of a severe dunking in Freddie's moat.
Whether or not Cuthbert could kill the monsters was purely hypothetical, they could no longer be caught by men on horseback.
There had been a time long ago when most species couldn't fly and were only capable of running at high speed for a short distance.
But inevitably, it was the fastest runners and highest hoppers that got away and lived to breed another day.
By the process now known as natural selection, the indigenous megafauna developed longer legs and wider wings until the situation came about that was now all too familiar to Cuthbert.
Yes, Cuthbert was a man of the past.
A new era had dawned and a new man was needed, with new methods to bring peace to the realm in a more humane and effective way.
King Freddie consulted his prime minister, Merlin the Whirlin, but although it was plain to both of them that Cuthbert was no longer up to the job, who could they appoint in his place? Neither yet realised that a new patron saint and minister of the environment was ready to take up the challenge.
The time of Saint George had arrived!
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