Why Are Parents Such Poor Motivators of Their Student Children?
After taking care of physical needs, the initial role of parent to baby is predominantly "unconditional love giver.
" Sure, there are some rules that need to be taught.
But, even the toughest "no" is said with a sweet voice and a smile.
The next time you find yourself screaming at your teenager (yes, you can admit that you do!) you have found the clue that will lead you to the answer for why you no longer serve as the best motivator of your teen.
Your relationship with your child transformed somewhere in the 10-15 year age range.
You went from being viewed as the benevolent dictator to being viewed as a conflicted dictator.
Your primary role for teenagers is now evaluator.
You need to provide active guidance which is often viewed as nagging, criticism or judgment.
But, you are still the unconditional love giver.
This creates a conflict when your 16 year old has not cleaned his room for the last 3 weeks, recently came home with a progress report indicating that he has not turned in a couple of homework assignments, and snapped "mind your own business" when you asked what he was doing this weekend.
Its unlikely you will respond in the same tone as you did years ago when nurturing your infant/toddler/small child! You are now the nag that your parents were to you.
And, you need to be the nag/boss/evaluator/judge and jury.
You cannot forego these roles.
Trust me, in providing academic coaching to thousands of Connecticut teens through the years, those that had parents who wanted to only be their buddy almost always faced disaster in the real world.
With that said, your teenager is not really listening to you as much anymore.
Sorry, but this is true for most parents.
You are lucky if they can repeat what you said.
You would be in an exceedingly rare situation if your teen could say: "hey mom, what you told me last night really changed the way I think about things.
" What are the implications? If you are a skilled communicator, you could discuss with your teen-child the current situation.
You could describe your frustrations, challenges, or hope.
If you are good at having such discussions, you would be surprised by how much your teen would appreciate the talk.
They too are frustrated! Also, more than likely, you could benefit from outside help.
Years ago, such help could come from an Uncle, a clergyman, an athletic coach or a teacher who had the extra time to really get to know your child.
Modern realities - distance from relatives, wariness of strangers, busyness of coaches and teachers - generally prevent such interactions.
Consequently, the role of academic coach has emerged to help.
For the next few years, at least, some respected adult other than you might be in a better position than you to inspire your child.
And, as such, there is hope.
" Sure, there are some rules that need to be taught.
But, even the toughest "no" is said with a sweet voice and a smile.
The next time you find yourself screaming at your teenager (yes, you can admit that you do!) you have found the clue that will lead you to the answer for why you no longer serve as the best motivator of your teen.
Your relationship with your child transformed somewhere in the 10-15 year age range.
You went from being viewed as the benevolent dictator to being viewed as a conflicted dictator.
Your primary role for teenagers is now evaluator.
You need to provide active guidance which is often viewed as nagging, criticism or judgment.
But, you are still the unconditional love giver.
This creates a conflict when your 16 year old has not cleaned his room for the last 3 weeks, recently came home with a progress report indicating that he has not turned in a couple of homework assignments, and snapped "mind your own business" when you asked what he was doing this weekend.
Its unlikely you will respond in the same tone as you did years ago when nurturing your infant/toddler/small child! You are now the nag that your parents were to you.
And, you need to be the nag/boss/evaluator/judge and jury.
You cannot forego these roles.
Trust me, in providing academic coaching to thousands of Connecticut teens through the years, those that had parents who wanted to only be their buddy almost always faced disaster in the real world.
With that said, your teenager is not really listening to you as much anymore.
Sorry, but this is true for most parents.
You are lucky if they can repeat what you said.
You would be in an exceedingly rare situation if your teen could say: "hey mom, what you told me last night really changed the way I think about things.
" What are the implications? If you are a skilled communicator, you could discuss with your teen-child the current situation.
You could describe your frustrations, challenges, or hope.
If you are good at having such discussions, you would be surprised by how much your teen would appreciate the talk.
They too are frustrated! Also, more than likely, you could benefit from outside help.
Years ago, such help could come from an Uncle, a clergyman, an athletic coach or a teacher who had the extra time to really get to know your child.
Modern realities - distance from relatives, wariness of strangers, busyness of coaches and teachers - generally prevent such interactions.
Consequently, the role of academic coach has emerged to help.
For the next few years, at least, some respected adult other than you might be in a better position than you to inspire your child.
And, as such, there is hope.
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