Stop Arguments In Your Marriage
You may not be able to predict the moment that the argument escalated, or have been able to see the warning signs. But you definitely know when you are in the thick of it. Voices raised and adrenaline high, you and your partner are slinging accusations and blame at one another without solace. It can be dizzying to be in the middle of an argument and not know how to get out, or even why you are so heated in the first place.
Most of the time, arguments are the result of miscommunication. And soon, the two of you are bringing out unresolved feelings from weeks prior until it becomes too much to bear. Here are outlined some common argument starters in marriage, and how you can work to avoid using them in the future:
Using you statements: When you begin a conversation pointing out what the other person is doing or blaming him, it is going to put him on the defensive. Instead, speak for yourself. Tell your partner how you feel using I statements. This way, he can point you are trying to make and can listen empathetically without feeling attacked.
Making demands: When you first enter a new relationship, you may be a little coy or afraid to make requests of your partner. But, as your marriage becomes more comfortable, you can become a little more abrasive and start to make demands of your spouse, for example saying, take out the garbage, or turn off the TV. This could make your partner feel as though you view him as inferior, instead of as your equal. As an alternative, ask your partner for something, dont tell him. Chances are he wants to do things that make you happy, but just on his own free will. If you say to your spouse, Could you please turn off the TV? chances are, it will get turned off. You have turned your request into a favor, rather than a demand.
Bringing up past mistakes: Bringing up the past is a major flaw in most arguments. If you have already discussed a topic and decided to move past it, dont bring it up again. If it is something new that is bothering you, or a point you feel needs to be brought up again, save it for a later time. Tell your spouse that you would like to discuss an additional topic with him later, and dont spring it on him in the middle of talking about something else. This could be easier said than done, however, because when emotions are involved, you may be unable to think before you speak.
Some people also naturally tend to let things that have been bothering them build up inside until they reach a boiling point. So these thoughts come spewing out. Addressing and working on your own communication style can help you work out issues as they occur, instead of bringing them all up at once.
Using a negative tone: Have you ever tried to imagine how you sound to somebody else? An important part in marriage counseling is looking at your own tone of voice and how others hear you. So many times, couples start to take each other for granted and they speak to each other with a harsh tone. Surprisingly, the way in which you speak can guide a conversation. If you have a harsh tone, then your points will be taken negatively, and the person you are speaking with will respond in a similar matter.
Making snide remarks: Instead of making remarks under your breath, or saying one thing when you mean another, be straightforward. Youre partner isnt a mind reader, so dont expect him to know what you mean when you are being cryptic. The only way to make sure that he knows how you are feeling is to tell him.
If you have tried to make these changes in your communication, but still find that you are at constant odds with your partner, it may be helpful to have a marriage counselor intervene. He can help you talk through your issues in a non-hostile environment, and make sure that you both stay on point and speak to each other fairly.
Most of the time, arguments are the result of miscommunication. And soon, the two of you are bringing out unresolved feelings from weeks prior until it becomes too much to bear. Here are outlined some common argument starters in marriage, and how you can work to avoid using them in the future:
Using you statements: When you begin a conversation pointing out what the other person is doing or blaming him, it is going to put him on the defensive. Instead, speak for yourself. Tell your partner how you feel using I statements. This way, he can point you are trying to make and can listen empathetically without feeling attacked.
Making demands: When you first enter a new relationship, you may be a little coy or afraid to make requests of your partner. But, as your marriage becomes more comfortable, you can become a little more abrasive and start to make demands of your spouse, for example saying, take out the garbage, or turn off the TV. This could make your partner feel as though you view him as inferior, instead of as your equal. As an alternative, ask your partner for something, dont tell him. Chances are he wants to do things that make you happy, but just on his own free will. If you say to your spouse, Could you please turn off the TV? chances are, it will get turned off. You have turned your request into a favor, rather than a demand.
Bringing up past mistakes: Bringing up the past is a major flaw in most arguments. If you have already discussed a topic and decided to move past it, dont bring it up again. If it is something new that is bothering you, or a point you feel needs to be brought up again, save it for a later time. Tell your spouse that you would like to discuss an additional topic with him later, and dont spring it on him in the middle of talking about something else. This could be easier said than done, however, because when emotions are involved, you may be unable to think before you speak.
Some people also naturally tend to let things that have been bothering them build up inside until they reach a boiling point. So these thoughts come spewing out. Addressing and working on your own communication style can help you work out issues as they occur, instead of bringing them all up at once.
Using a negative tone: Have you ever tried to imagine how you sound to somebody else? An important part in marriage counseling is looking at your own tone of voice and how others hear you. So many times, couples start to take each other for granted and they speak to each other with a harsh tone. Surprisingly, the way in which you speak can guide a conversation. If you have a harsh tone, then your points will be taken negatively, and the person you are speaking with will respond in a similar matter.
Making snide remarks: Instead of making remarks under your breath, or saying one thing when you mean another, be straightforward. Youre partner isnt a mind reader, so dont expect him to know what you mean when you are being cryptic. The only way to make sure that he knows how you are feeling is to tell him.
If you have tried to make these changes in your communication, but still find that you are at constant odds with your partner, it may be helpful to have a marriage counselor intervene. He can help you talk through your issues in a non-hostile environment, and make sure that you both stay on point and speak to each other fairly.
Source...