In divorce these tend to be dumper and dumpee - if you'll be good enough to allow me those terms for ease.
We've all been either one or the other at the end of a relationship.
It's really no different to the beginning of a relationship either - one person is the one to ask the other out first - the tradition of the male taking the lead is much less obvious today than years ago.
To end one therefore, there always has to be someone who will take the lead - even if it is just opening up the conversation to find that you both are in agreement.
During the week, I was working with a client who had made the decision to leave her husband after 15 years of marriage, the last 8 of them being very challenging for her.
I asked if she had ever been the dumpee before.
There had been a few times she said.
She then laughed and as she remembered one particular occasion when the chap she'd been going out with for a few months had become more distant and less honest and she decided to phone him to let him down gently that she didn't want to go out with him any longer.
By the end of the conversation however, she was incensed - he got in first and dumped her.
While it was her intention too, it hadn't dawned on her that she would get the heave-ho first and was wholly unprepared for it.
There was no emotional pain involved, more an injustice, an unfairness, and her ego took a battering.
I've been in contact with Thea Newcomb, the owner of So You've Been Dumped - and we're going to be sharing stories, articles and ideas over the next few months - if you are the dumpee, this is a great site for you to gain some new perspectives and if you're thinking of getting out of a relationship, I would suggest you look at the worst break up lines (sometimes excuses) to avoid the trap of being added to them! The understanding of emotions which are attached to breaking up seem to be fairly heavily stacked on the side of the dumpee.
Folk rarely give a thought to what the dumper must have been going through to have brought them to the place of deciding that ending the relationship was the best way forward.
This is due, often, to the wish of the dumper to keep things to themselves otherwise everyone but their partner will know.
As you can imagine, and many of you will be nodding now, this can be one of the loneliest decisions you can make - it affects many aspects of your life, particularly if you've been in a long relationship.
What tends to happen therefore is that the dumper, once they've done the deed, feels great relief - they're no longer carrying around a secret, they can be honest again.
Of course, unfortunately this relief tends to be viewed as cold heartedness - but they've done much of their grieving - alone.
The dumpee on the other hand, is very likely to be shocked, and can immediately gather support to help them through.
The emotions are very much the same, it's just the timing of them which is very out of kilter.
At this stage of the proceedings, the dumper can often feel that they can now take time to breathe however the dumpee can be in full scale battle mode and forge ahead.
The dumper will often have been so tied up in the enormity of the initial decision making that they haven't really thought any further than the 'separating' conversation.
So while one party is fuelled by anger and indignation, revenge and sadness, the other is often feeling guilt, shame and sadness.
None of these emotions are good ones to be carrying around while you are instructing solicitors, making decisions about the future and negotiating with one another.
It's a time when deciding which loaf of bread to buy in Tesco is tricky - never mind how you split the pension funds.
Until recently there have been few alternatives to help you through the minefield of divorce - and trust me it can be a minefield - one small step in the wrong place and whoof it can all go up in smoke.
Over the last couple of years however there have been massive changes in the help being made available to those thinking of divorce, those in divorce and post divorce help too.
It comes in the shape of specialist financial advice, emotional care, counselling, therapy, coaching, mediation, and help for children too.
It is definitely not too American! It has long been accepted that bereavement counselling is worthwhile and helps those who have lost someone to come to terms with their loss much more quickly and easily.
In divorce the same is true - only it is the loss of a relationship and the person is still alive and if you are parents, then you will still have to be in contact with them for many years to come on one level or another.
Can you imagine how helpful it would be if you were the dumper and trying to make a decision about ending your relationship? Wouldn't you be glad to be asked questions about the real reason for ending it? Wouldn't you be glad that you had taken time to explore what options would be available to you so that after the 'separating' conversation you had facts and figures and a route to follow.
Wouldn't you want to know how best to save your relationship if in fact there was the chance to do that? As the dumpee, can you imagine having someone at the end of the phone trained in emotional support and not just legal facts who could help you? Wouldn't you be glad to explore how to get out of feeling so bad instead of just deepening pain? Wouldn't you want to know how to move forward with the process and find out what options are open to you? There are many legal firms around today who wholeheartedly acknowledge that solicitors are not the ones equipped to provide their clients with the emotional nurturing and back up they need during this very painful period.
They also recognise that as pensions, mortgages, and other assets have become more and more complicated they are not the ones who should be working out how to split the family pot.
It is truly amazing what can be achieved with the right specialist helping you.
Long term divorce pain and suffering is unnecessary and you do not have to do it alone.
With life being lived at such a fast pace these days, you cannot afford to allow your work to suffer or your children's lives to suffer.
It's well documented that children of divorce can lead perfectly normal, happy and healthy lives, do well at school and thrive socially and in relationships later - if, and only if, their parents look after themselves, love their children unconditionally, do not put unnecessary expectations on the children, make every attempt to be civil and polite to one another and strive for an early return to a normal life post separation.
There will often be injustices from either side which may well have to be dealt with - as adults and with understanding and compassion (even when you truly don't want to, you can find the strength to let the kids lives be easier) It doesn't mean you have to be a martyr, it doesn't mean you have to be a victim, and it doesn't mean you can be a bully.
It does mean that you have to really look at what the real reason for your dissatisfaction is.
It does mean approaching each situation on its own merits and finding out what buttons are being pressed by it and whether you can let go of having to be right.
Having to be right is one of the greatest causes of stress, and not only in divorce.
Another client I've been working with has two sons - one of 5 and one of 15.
Her ex is a very difficult man and she was abused psychologically and physically during their 16 year marriage.
Under court order, the youngest has limited contact with his father.
The eldest son stays with his father out of choice half of his time - he has a free rein to choose where he wants to be.
Recently however his behaviour has been influenced by the father and he has started to lie to his mother.
She is very upset and cross about this and wanted to throw him out.
The real reason she wanted to throw him out was that he began to remind her of her ex.
She felt that her son wasn't respecting her and her boundaries.
She wanted her son to choose between them.
She wanted to control her son.
The son wants to retain his open house policy in order that he can have a relationship with both parents.
He knows his father's shortcomings, however feels that his father needs him more than his mother.
He in turn needs his mother as his anchor, his normality.
It has taken my client a lot of understanding to recognise that she can continue to be the best mother she can be to her son in order to give him what he needs to grow up with two parents.
She has learned to accept that not only is he at an age when most adolescents stretch their wings (and try their parents!) but also that he is doing the best he can in a very difficult situation.
You know that there are two sides to every story - it is crucial that you look beyond the obvious - lift the coin up - turn it over in your hands, look at both sides, look at the edges, feel the weight, check how shiny it is, what temperature does it have - all these things make a difference.
5 Ways to Step back from your own situation:

1. Write down what you are feeling - let all the emotions come out in your words
2. Move seat, find a new and less comfortable place to write and see if you can find what the other person is feeling (nb - feeling, not thinking)
3. Close your eyes and float forward to when you are 20 years older, look back at today and tell your younger self what you have learned - write it down
4. Each time you are caught up in your own story - pretend you're the lead actor in a film, and then become the director and tell the actor what happens next in the plot - you are also the writer of your story so you know what you want to happen.
   
5. Go for a long walk - a long walk in fresh air - whether it's raining, sunny, windy or snowing - walking outside gives you a huge shift in perspective - make sure you do it often.