What is depression really? To some people, it is just in the head.
They say "Don't think so much" or "Don't worry so much" but it is not that.
In depression, I cannot think and I definitely do not worry.
I am just in a daze and there is a need to be quiet and alone.
Some people say "She can't handle life" or "She is trying to get pity".
It does not help a sufferer to hear this when he is going through a bout.
Medically, it is now recognized that depression is a major illness of the brain where there is some chemical imbalance, and anti-depressants today are to get the balance back.
In fact, WHO says that about 20% of world population suffers from some form of mental illness.
Depression is not about stress although it can be affected by stress and stressors.
Stress is good for people as it keeps people on their toes.
I was a working professional for fifteen years, undergoing a lot of stress and pressure at work before I was diagnosed with depression five years ago.
If it is about thinking or worrying too much or not being able to handle life, why did I not crash out earlier? Why only five years ago? Well, my psychiatrist, my psychotherapist and I can only list down the many factors which may have contributed to it but we cannot pin point exactly what caused it.
When I was first diagnosed with mild depression, I went into denial, telling myself that it cannot be true.
I tried to fight it and refused to take the medication prescribed to me as I had a young baby to nurse.
I hung on to work and thought it would all go away after some time.
However, it did not and only got worse as I often got sick for no apparent reason.
I suffered sleepless nights, headaches, chest pains, shoulder aches, fevers, nausea, etc.
Finally, I got a second opinion and was then diagnosed with major depression, and had to go on anti-depressants straight away.
It was an uphill journey then as I went through several bouts in the first year of being diagnosed with depression.
I was on a roller coaster ride, going down, feeling better, going up, feeling fine, then tumbling down again.
I could not share what I was going through at work and people thought I was just not doing my job.
I would go to work feeling so afraid to meet people as I lost all self confidence.
While my supervisor knew of my condition (I had to explain my difficulties at work to get his understanding), most of my colleagues were not aware that I was in depression.
They just thought that Caroline was unapproachable.
I used to have crying episodes under my workstation or in the car park, crying my heart out.
Then something happened.
An aunt found out that I was suffering from depression and she came by to see me, telling me she understood what I was going through as her mother went through it for many years.
She passed me some books about depression, including one written by a Jesuit Priest who suffered from the same illness that afflicted me.
Of course, I had also read that many famous people had suffered or suffers from depression including Princess Masako of Japan and the late Princess Diana.
The great artists Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and Picasso all suffered from depression.
Closer to home in Malaysia, several famous people have admitted to having suffered from depression including Dato' Lee Lam Thye and the writer Rehman Rashid.
Understanding this and now attending the Malaysian Mental Health Association (MMHA) Depression Support Group meetings, I have found solace that I am not alone.
I have met people from all walks of life who are dealing with the illness.
I am compelled to write this as we need less medical reports and websites by pharmaceutical companies and more real stories for people to better understand the illness so that those who are suffering silently can come out and seek help instead of thinking that people will think they are sick in the head.
Well, technically we are sick in the head (chemical imbalance) but we are just like sufferers of diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol.
We want to be treated equally.