In the world of marriages, we have some work to do.  Fewer of us feel like we are achieving success in our marriages.  The State of our Unions report from the University of Virginia concluded in 2011 that the percentage of married individuals, over the age of 18, who respond that their marriages are “very happy” has gradually declined over the last four decades, though the numbers have leveled out in the past 20 years.

  The most recent studies show that 63.1% of men and 60.7% of women classify their marriages as such. With less than 2/3 of us feeling that our marriages are happy, there is certainly room for improvement.  And we as fathers need to take the situation seriously and seek answers for ourselves and for other dads and men.

While I am far from an expert in successful marriage, I have learned a few things along the way in my own 35 year marriage and in working with couples for many years.  These ten questions should form a basis for evaluating and improving any father's marriage relationship, and should be used in one or more discussions between any husband and wife.

1.  How often do I communicate love in the way my spouse receives it?  One of the finest marriage relationship books I ever read was The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  The author suggests that we each receive and see love in one of five different ways – our love language.  The key in a relationship is to discover our partner’s love language and then speak it regularly.  For my partner, her love language is “quality time,” so she feels love when we spend time together apart from other distractions.  For me, I am a “words of affirmation” person, so I feel love most when she compliments me sincerely.  Figuring out your partner’s love language and then using it can make a huge difference in a relationship.
    

1. How long has it been since my spouse and I were on a date?  Most successful couples I know still make time for dates together.  Dating as a married couple keeps a romance alive and helps keep the lines of communication and good feelings open.
    
2. How positive am I with my spouse?  So often, the challenges of daily life in a family cause us to be negative.  We may feel critical of the condition of the house or yard, or we may find fault in the small irritations of our relationship.  Focusing on the positive instead of the negative can make a big difference.  My wife taught me a valuable lesson about these “little things.”  If it will still be important in ten years, it is something we should address.  Otherwise, life is just too short to dwell on the negatives.  We should try to find five good things to comment on for every one negative.
    
3. Are my spouse and I together on money issues?  Battles over money are a leading cause of marriage stress and often lead to divorce if not handled properly.  Develop a family budget together, set savings and spending priorities together and live within your means.  Getting on the same page with your family finances will go a long way to alleviating stress and anxiety in the relationship.
    
4. Do I find myself wanting to control the relationship?  Marriage is a two-way street with two individuals trying to blend to create a marriage and family.  If you find yourself (or your spouse) being controlling in the relationship, it is time to change your attitude and behavior.  If you try to control your partner’s time with friends or others, consider why you feel that way and work to offer her more time and space.  Sometimes, jealousy or anxiety can get in the way.  Encouraging your partner to have a healthy life in addition to the marriage relationship can bring additional richness into the home and family relationship. 
    
5. Am I testing my spouse?  One marriage and family therapist I know counsels couples to stop setting each other up in situations to see how he or she will respond.  For example, in one couple he counseled, the wife would ask her husband to remember something but didn’t want him to write it down because if he really loved her and prioritized her, he would always have her desire at the top of his mind.  Usually, this approach results in a “self-fulfilling prophecy” where the other spouse fails and the challenging spouse feels vindicated. 
    
6. Am I loyal to my spouse when she isn’t present?  Leadership guru Stephen Covey talks about the importance of being loyal when the person who is the topic of our conversation is not there.  We can’t gossip, tell embarrassing stories or complain about our partner with others and be truly loyal to her.  Speaking about our partner positively, even when she is not around, is an essential element of a good and resilient relationship.
    
7. Do I share fairly with my spouse in the grunt work of life?  Societal norms for centuries have put father in the key role as provider and the mother as nurturer.  In today’s world, those key roles have blurred with many women having careers in addition to their role as wife and mother, and fathers sharing more in the family and parenting responsibilities.  Evaluate how much you are doing to make the drudge less drudgery in your home and family, and make sure you are giving your fair share and then some.
    
8. How often do I express gratitude?   It is pretty easy to start taking each other for granted in a busy marriage life.  But words and expressions of gratitude can go a long way to building marriage strength.  A little sticky note on the bathroom mirror or just a simple verbal expression of sincere thanks communicates volumes and can make a big difference. 
    
9. Do we communicate regularly?   A family therapist I worked with once suggested making 30 minutes of time each evening without kids and without distractions just to talk together with my spouse.  That has been great advice, and making time to communicate regularly and effectively is one of the greatest gifts we can give our spouse and one of the best investments we can make in our relationship and in each other.

The marriage relationship can be a challenge for any father, but it is one worth investing in.  Getting clear in our own lives with these ten questions, and using them as a basis of dialog in a marriage relationship are important steps forward toward even greater success in marriage.